


Xemüg Doesn't Approve

by River_T_h_am_es



Category: Camp Camp (Web Series)
Genre: Drabble Collection, M/M, crack and fun, mostly danvid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2019-10-23 23:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17692901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River_T_h_am_es/pseuds/River_T_h_am_es
Summary: Just a bunch of short danvid stories.





	1. Xeemuug doesn't approve

**Author's Note:**

> The one in which the campers are being creative, David is being oblivious and Daniel is being extremely dumb ( but sweet in his unique way)

Neil was pacing in front of the other campers, obviously irritated. "Well, enough is enough! We need a plan to rid of Daniel!"

"Come on Neil,” Max said, scrolling lazily on David's phone. “The guy won't last for a week. Did you see his face when _he_ saw our food and the dishes  it was put on? The freak's way too neat and tidy for this place.”

“You just don't get it, Max!” Neil exclaimed. “I can't stand his pseudoscientific bullshit anymore. All these lectures about dark toxines and other nonsence, I don't know about you guys, but for me it's insulting! I'm a man of science!”

“Hey, hold on there,” Nurf said, “just because we're thicker than you doesn't mean we approve obscurantism in our camp!”

“So, what do you suggest?” Max asked.

Neil ruffled his hair. “Well... everyone has a weakness. And Daniel's weekspot is his belief!”

“Come on, Neil,” Nikki said, “I've never seen Daniel praying or some stuff. He's not _that_   religious.”

“Oh, yes, you haven't seen that, but I _do_ hear him grinding his teeth every time I ruin his false theories!”

“What are we gonna do, then?” Nerris asked.

“If this primitive system of beliefs is what keeps him going,” Neil concluded, “We'll definitely use it against him.”

 

 

In half  an hour all the campers were standing near Dolph's easel. The boy was ready to fix their ideas on paper.

“So... how does he even look, this Xemüg guy?”

“We can use illusions – smoke and fire!” Harrison waved his hand over his top hat and looked inside as if Xemüg was already there.

“He should be scary! Big! Impressive!” Nurf clenched his fists.

“As a god, he should have all  things that are canon for deities,” Nerris said, “I mean – wings, halo, several arms...”

“And his image should be pristine und pure!”

“And his emergence should affect Daniel the same way the ghost of Hamlet's father affects Hamlet!”

“No ghosts in here, Preston,” Max said.

“He should be really cool.”

“Thanks, Ered, that was really specific.”

Ered shrugged. “I just want to participate, dude.”

“So... how can we make him?” Neil asked.

Space kid smiled and pointed his finger up. “Well, what if we build him as a rocket and get inside?”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

David clutched his hands to his chest in delight.

“Oooh, our kids are finally working together as a team!”

“I don't know, David,” Gwen said sceptically without looking up from her magazine, “They're up to some nasty shit, as usual.”

“Oh, come on, Gwen! I'm sure it will be something surprising in a good way!”

“You wish. Talking of surprises: I've found the unpleasant one in the Mess Hall. The one that's decorating the Hall in honor of some Zigmund or Siegfried.”

“Gwen, Daniel is our colleague, we must respect his interests!”

Gwen shrugged. “Whatever. He won't last here for long.”

David saddened. “You think so?”

“I hope so.”

 

Nikki popped into their room. “Gwen, David! Where can I get buttons and a hockey stick?”

“Ask the Quartermaster,” Gwen and David said in unison.

“Okay! And David, it wasn't me who took the megaphone! Just in case.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Daniel was conflicted in the worst way possible. He got stuck in a very sinful and dirty place. One kid even ate dirt, and it's in addition to all of them being filled with negative energy from the start! Daniel couldn't leave it like that. Everybody here required total purification. Well, except for David, probably. And here was the problem: if he cleanse the children, David will get some negativity on himself because of all the grief. If Daniel cleanse  David as well, he might get some negativity himself. So Daniel left  things as they were, trying mild methods like spraying poisonous Kool-Aid on children and scrubbing dirty tables with his knife.

 

One evening Daniel, in his musings about which way was right, thought of his god. Of course, the war with the Galactic confederacy is one thing and complicated human feelings is totally different, but still. He stepped out of his  house, ready to call to his god, when he saw white smoke. Bright light split the darkness, there was thunder, and Daniel saw Xemüg in all his glory. He was about 3 meters high. He had a skull for a head and his numerous arms and wings were moving constantly. His white robe was wavering slightly. He was swaying and wobbling, and Daniel fell to his knees for he didn't know how to express his awe.

 

“Daniel....” Xemüg's voice was reverberating, and Daniel was surprised it didn't sound as deep as one could expect. “My son.. I'm Xeemux.. Xemüg, your god!”

Daniel dared to look up from his spot. “Yes, Almighty! I... I've already figured it out. Thank you for answering my calling.”

Xemüg swang in place, and Daniel heard something like hiss or whisper, which, of course, was just godly speech, unobtainable to his human ears.

“Daniel, I've come to tell you my will. You are to leave this ungodly place and go to spread the light of your faith to other people! Go on, now!” Xemüg's voice turned high-pitched and girly. “Yeah, go away!”

Xemüg rocked threateningly. “And if you do not listen to me, you'll bring my punishment on thee! I'll send all my orcs to get you!” Xemüg lisped and then growled. “Yeah! And I'll punch you! Do not make me resort to extreme measures, Daniel!” The god was talking with a German accent now.

“I... I got it, oh Almighty,” Daniel was in horror and dither. Xemüg shook and leaned down, and Daniel covered his face with hands in reverent lowliness. Xemüg stood still and said grumpily, “Then get the fuck out of here”.

The god was consumed with white smoke and backed up into the woods, never taking his eyes out of Daniel. His eyes were bright yellow and looked very much like torchlights.

Daniel stayed on the ground, not able to believe his luck. He's just experienced a true revelation! Xemüg heard him and did come to him! There was something disturbing in all this situation, but.. Who was he to disobey his god???

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

David looked at the campers having their breakfast. He frowned. “Where's Daniel?”

Some campers giggled. Gwen muttered, “ I hope he fired himself.”

“It isn't funny, Gwen! We have to find him.”

Gwen rolled her eyes, “Well, I definitely won't bother myself with that. By the way, why are you kids so lively this early?”

Space kid was about to answer, but at this moment Daniel, who looked pale, entered the Hall.

“David, we... we've got to talk.”

“O-okay, Daniel,” David came outside, and the campers immediately left their meal in order to listen to their conversation.

They were pushing and shoving each other and missed some part of it.

“...I know, it's hard to believe, but _He_ did come to me and told me to leave this camp to continue my mission in another place.”

“Oh.. well.. I see, Daniel,” David was puzzled, “if, ehm, if it is what your soul asks for, then, I think, you should... go?”

“I thought so too, David. But the more I did so, the more I got confused and resented one particular thing. You see, Xemüg demands from us to be pure, clean and intainted meanwhile _He_ has stains on his own garment. Stains and smudges, David! How can I worship him after this bitter truth has been revealed? Well, I can't do it anymore. And I do not intend to listen to his pathetic guidance! So I won't leave the camp. I'll stay here, with you."

 

Neil turned to quieted campers and hissed, “Well, team. Who skipped the laundry day?”

 

 

 


	2. Camp NSFW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's all in the title.

_"Daniel's manhood was astronomically long and quivered with anticipation. David was losing his head from his masculine smell. Daniel wanted him, in all ways possible. And they'll invent a few new. Daniel slid his fingers to David's tight..."_

 

“HI GWEN!” David opened the door with so much vigour it  knocked out some sawdust from the wooden wall. “What're you doing?"

“N-nothing!” Gwen closed the browser window and shut the laptop, just in case.

“Oh, oh, let me guess: are you preparing for the reading club?”

“No! David, while I have you here... Can you cover me at the magic quest today? I'm meeting with...”

“You are meeting with Bonquisha and Jen?”

“Yes, It won't be long, I promise!"

“Of course, Gwen,” David said in a sing-song voice, “I'm glad you three get along so well! I'll cover you at the quest! Or Daniel covers.. with some... activities.”

David saluted her and jumped from the room.

 

 

 

In an hour the girls were sitting at the table with some drinks and snacks. Bonquisha looked through the text that Gwen had managed to print beforehand.

“Honey, call things their names. A "dick" is a "dick", no need for "manhoods" and "lengths.”

“I can't understand, why do we need to write _this_ ,” Jen muttered.

“Ah-uh! What else do you want to write? Writing is for porn,” Bonquisha wagged her manicured finger in front of her. “Here, check this one.” Jen sighed and took her amount of work for beta-reading.

Bonquisha turned to Gwen, “Well, we need to change their position in here. Daniel should lie on his back.”

“Why?”

“Trust me, David can't do it this way.”

“Sure he can! Have you seen his long legs?”

“Whose legs?” David popped into the room and immediately blushed, noticing Bonquisha. “Oh, Bonquisha, it's.. it's nice to see you. I want once again to apologize for my behavior back at the cafe. I'm so ashamed!”

“That's all right, sugar,” Bonquisha winked, “Keep the shirt, by the way. May come in handy.”

“W-what?” David couldn't get why Gwen was giggling and Jen looked irritated, and went on, “Gwen, I've come to tell you that Daniel and kids took your laptop to watch a movie. You know, with a movie projector.”

David smiled nervously and walked away quickly.

 

 

 

The campers were sitting in the mess hall waiting for another "educational"  movie from Daniel.

Neil was boiling with anger. “I can't do this anymore! Has he even heard about the Internet? Google? Wiki? Something?”

“Daniel says websites contaminate our minds,” Nikki said.

“Our minds are contaminated by the sight of his dumb face! You know what? I'll give him a presentation he deserves!”

Neil marched  to the movie projector.

“There's no wifi in here,” Max noted.

“No problem, I've got my own,” Neil patted the pocket with the flower scouts' badge in there. “Aha! Here we go.”

The projector turned on, and Neil clicked on the browser icon to search some facts for Daniel. The text appeared on the big white screen. The campers looked at it.

Nikki read aloud, “Daniel's manhood was astronomically long and...”

“What. The. Fuck!” Max shouted.

Nerris closed her eyes, and Nurf covered Preston's eyes with his hands.

“Is this.. wikipedia?” Space kid asked, sounding unsure.

 

That was the moment Daniel came in.

“Ah, children. You've already set on the projector, wonderful! We can start our session right no...”

Daniel looked at the screen and stopped. Preston unclenched Nurf's fingers and started to read the text, moving his lips.

Daniel said in a strain voice, “ Reading such things would hardly help you to clean your minds.”

Gwen went into the hall. “Daniel! Neil! Who grabbed my...”  she took her laptop. The text on the screen was gone. “It wasn't.. I didn't... It's bed time, everybody! No movies today!”

Campers went out, whispering to each other. and Max looked at Gwen at shook his head in disapproval.

“Looks like you might use a beta,” the Quartermaster told her.

 

 

During the evening David got rather peculiar looks. He got used to sympathetic ones long time ago, so Jen's glances weren't unfamiliar to him. But kids were acting strange, too. They were whispering, giggling, some of them even blushing. What to Daniel, he looked at him as if he had grown a pair of wings. Or horns.

Later that evening Daniel joined him at the bonfire.

“David, I... I'd like to ask you about your preferences.”

“Preferences??”

“Yes.”

“You mean, what do I like?”

“Who do you like.”

David blinked. It looked like Daniel was talking about something... different from David's conception of these words. May be he meant stuff like _that_. But David didn't know anything about stuff like _that_. Besides, he liked Daniel and didn't want to think about him as impolite and everything. Maybe his question wasn't about _that_ at all, and David just made things up. Now _this_ was impolite for real!

David blinked once again and answered, “I prefer ice cream”.

 

 

That night Preston couldn't sleep. His tentmates were sound asleep, judging by Nurf's loud snores. Preston was tossing and turning. Finally, he gave up.

He took  a sheet of paper and a pencil from under his pillow, turn on his torchlight and began to write, _“Neil  was impossibly attracted to Harrison. He was hypnotized by his black top hat and white gloves. He also,”_ Preston chewed on the pencil, thinking of lewd metaphor, _“longed to take a look on his magic wand.”_

 

 

 

 

 


	3. I don't feel like dancin' (Mafia!AU or whatever)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mafia!AU. David is ( oblivious to no end) a bartender in Campbell's speakeasy, and Daniel is a gang leader.

 

David got used to the fact that the cafe he was working at was quite an... odd place. Firstly, it was located in the basement, which was located under the funeral service, which was located on the outskirts. What's more, although it was called a cafe – Campbell's Cafe, to be more specific – there was nothing the one would think a common cafe should  have. No pastries, no lemonade, no ice cream. It came only in combination with other things. Well, one thing. Alcohol. Now that was the fact that made David puzzled. He even asked mister Campbell if he was sure that he owned, well, _a cafe_. Mister Campbell, who liked to repeat over and over again that it's just a regular cafe, nothing suspicious in here sirs,  grabbed him by lapels, shook and said, "It's. Just. A cafe!” David agreed, “Sure, sir!”

“Just serve visitors the drinks they ask for, Davey,” he said adjusting his police chief uniform. And David served.

 

David had to admit, he liked his job. He made decent cocktails  and he always could made something for himself – with ice cream, syrup and lemonade. They had good music in there - Preston was a great pianist. A bit antsy, but that was probably because he was shot at a few times. The visitors came to have rest and fun. David _liked_ fun, but sometimes guests were having fun too intense even by his standards. In that case, he just swept out glass splinters and helped the injured.

 

Lately he found another advantage in working at Campbell's - Daniel, one of the new visitors who quickly became the regular one. At first David  called him “the mysterious blond”, but when he called Daniel this name aloud, Daniel told him his real name and added that he had no mysteries or something to hide from David. Daniel was a nice customer. He was generous, kind and definitely handsome. Unfortunately,  his visits were  accompanied with...

 

“That's them! Hide, everybody! It's Crooked knives!"

 

The Crooked knives gang always appeared the moment Daniel stepped into the cafe. This time wasn't an exception.

Daniel took a seat at the counter, and the gang went to their usual work: senseless demolition and havoc. Shots and shrieks filled the air. David tsked. He missed the moment it became a routine for him.

He didn't worry because by lucky coincidence no one ever shot in Daniel's direction.

While Campbell's Cafe was turning into nightmare, David said, “Every time you came by, there's shooting and fights! How unlucky!”

“Yeah, you can say so.” Daniel answered. He had that wistful look in his eyes, and David felt an urge to cheer him up.

“Oh, come on, Daniel! I'm sure you'll catch a nice quiet evening in here one day. How about a drink from the house?”

“I wouldn't mind.”

“The usual? “Morning wood”?'

“No, I'd have one “Red fury” today.”

David went to mixing the ingredients and soon put a glass with bright-orange liquid in front of Daniel. Daniel thanked him and looked an Nurf who was throwing knives into the piano. David always wondered where he kept getting knives.

“How's the drink?”

“Perfect,” Daniel smiled. “One ingredient is missing, though.”

David was alarmed.  “Which one?”

“Come here, I'll tell you. It's a secret.”

David leaned over the counter so Daniel could whisper the secret in his ear. At that moment the savage shorty called Snake shouted, “Hey, capo! Leave your boyfriend, we might need some help in here!”

David froze. _What?_

“You have... a boyfriend in here? Where... where is he? Did he come with you?”

David looked around, and Daniel sighed, looking resigned. David hurried to calm him down.

“Daniel, it's okay. I know what "boyfriend" means, and it's totally fine if you come here with him. I mean, there's nothing wrong if a boyfriend has a boyfriend, not a girlfriend. I mean, I wouldn't mind to have a boyfriend... myself.”

Daniel nodded. Something hopeful apperared in his eyes as he looked at David. 

“Wanna dance? You're not that busy at the moment.”

That was true. The Crooked knives got everyone pushed to the other side of the hall so the space near the counter was empty.

Daniel waited for David to got from behind the counter and gave him his hand. Nurf went to the piano and put a gun to Preston's head. Preston looked at Daniel in terror.

“Bethena", please,” Daniel said.

He put his arms around David's waist, and David put his arms on Daniel's shoulders.

“There's going to be a shot,” Daniel warned. “Move right.”

They moved right, and the bullet missed them.

“Now lean left.”

David was impressed. “How do you know this?”

“Petrol is pretty systematic in his shooting. That what makes him predictable.”

 

Petrol was consistent indeed: he shot left, then shot right, made two shots in the ceiling and, finally, two in the floor before starting all over.

 

Snake looked at his boss and came closer to one of the girls crowded in the corner. She caught his eye with her brutal resistance to their attack.

“Wanna dance?”

“Are you kidding me?! Your fellows just whacked my eye!”

“Oh, I'm sorry, miss. Here,” Snake put off his eye patch exposing his  eye underneath.

“Just look at this, he's making fun of me!” the girl shrieked and lunged on Snake trying to scratch out both of his eyes.

 

 

Daniel pulled David closer.

“David, I have something to confess.”

“Y-yes?”

David was afraid Daniel would talk about his boyfriend. He had no idea who and where he was but the very thought of him was unpleasant. Well, it was unbearable!

Daniel said, “I have great interest in you. No, not great. Huge.”

“Interest?”

“Yes. Romantic... romantic interest.”

David frowned. “But what about your... boyfriend?”

“Snake was talking about you.”

“Oh,” David couldn't follow. “When did we start dating, then? I'm sorry, I can't remember.”

“We didn't. Snake said that because it looks like we've been dating for a while.”

“Oh, I see now,” David said. “Pardon me, I can be quite stupid when it comes to such things.”

“Not to worry, I myself tend to be dumb in some cases.”

David decided to use the chance.

“So, would you  like  to be... my boyfriend?”

“Yes, David. But there's something you have to know.”

“Oh, Daniel, you cant tell me everything.” David  didn't mind bullets in in the air around them.

“I drink and smoke. I smoke a lot.”

“I noticed that. It doesn't matter.”

“I'm religious and has my own beliefs.”

“It happens.”

Music stopped, and Daniel took David's hands in his own.

“David, I'm in mafia. I'm a capo.”

He squeezed David's hands, obviously waiting for an answer. David shrugged, leaned forward for a kiss and muttered, “Nobody's perfect.”

 

Campbell peeped into the hall of his speakeasy where Stephen van Petrol was firing in all directions, Nurf leaned onto the frightened to death pianist's shoulder and was humming something, the short mobster was trying to get away from a furious gal in furs, and his bartender was dancing with the leader of the Crooked knives.

“Idiots,” he said.

 

Campbell buttoned up his police uniform getting ready for another phony raid on his own "cafe".

 

 

 

 


	4. Mission impossible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some cases are just hopeless.

 

Max pulled off the bag from his head and looked around. He was in the familiar dark old tent. And definitely for the same reason as before.

“ _You_ again?! Daniel, come on, knock it off!”

Daniel, still in David's uniform, drew the knife closer to Max.

“Hush now! Or I'll sacrifice you before your time has come.”

“Seems like you'll sacrifice yourself – fall on your own knife, again. And it would be the third time for the last two weeks.”

“It doesn't matter! You, Max, ruined my self-esteem... and my career! Because of constant failures I was kicked out from the commune!”

Max sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Daniel, look... You just can't  pretend to be David and trick us all. It doesn't work for you. Everybody in the camp knows when David is you, even Space kid. Space kid, Daniel! But...” Max's face got insidious expression. “But I can teach you how to do it flawlessly. On certain conditions, of course.”

Daniel put the knife down. “Teach me?”

Max nodded. “Oh yeah. Teach you how to act as an other person, how to pretend so good no one will ever expose you!”

“Excellent!” Daniel sat on the chair next to Max and took a notebook and a pen from his pocket, ready to make notes.

“Let's talk about the price first.”

“What do you want?”

“All your gingerbread men. And all the poisons recipes you know.”

“Deal!”

Max jumped from the chair and started to pace back and forth in front of Daniel.

“Okay. Let's start with your appearance. Clothes. David wears  the same stuff all summer, maybe all year. Maybe all life! He has dozens of these vests and t-shirts and socks, steal a couple , for god's sake, stop stealing the clothes that are _on_ David! Seriously, Daniel, I don't wanna rescue  naked David anymore.”

Daniel nodded and wrote the advice down.

Max continued, “Next. Your eyebrows.”

Daniel frowned at him and rubbed his eyebrows. “My eyebrows? What's wrong with them?”

“What's wrong?! What the fuck, Daniel, dye them or something if you're blond!”

Daniel nodded and continued to write.

“Next. No creepy smiles. Well, smile creepy but in a joyful way. No, not like this. Jesus, not like this either. Yeah, almost got it. Do not lean to close to us, especially Nurf – David knows he can stab him or something. And about stabbing – find yourself a normal weapon instead of this butter knife. You're a villain!”

Daniel put the knife to his chest.

“It's a present! And – yeah, it's old and crooked, but I  got out from your bomb shelter with its help several times in a row!”

“Exactly. Besides, David doesn't keep  knives in his pockets. And he definitely doesn't swing them!”

Daniel put the knife away, clearly disappointed.

“And finally. What makes David, you know, David?”

Daniel thought for a moment. “Optimism.”

“Yeah, stupidity is important, but it's all in the way he moves. You do it the different way. It looks like you're some creepy puppet that's being electrocuted. And David walks, I mean sprints and jumps or whatever he does as if he got his ass burnt by the fire and he's happy with it. And - no neck cracks. Seriously."

 

“...Stop talking with Gwen about stuff like “Deadly tentacle-3”, she's got her head full of garbage as it is... Talk about meadows and dandelions or something. And! The most important thing: there's no need to take out your lenses every half an hour and shout, “That's me! Daniel!” Well, now I understand that it all won't do any help. You'll fail everything again.”

“No, Max! You underestimate me.”

“Whatever, you better kidnap and pretend to be someone else... Take the Quartermaster for a change.”

“But I don't want to kidnap _him_.”

“A-ha! Are you scared?”

“No, I'm not, he looks exactly like my grandad who was murdered by his cheated followers...But I'd like to kidnap David.”

“David?! Again?”

Daniel nodded. “Yes. First of all, he never understands that he's being kidnapped and thinks we just go for a walk. We really should just go for a walk sometime... And when he understands the meaning of my actions, he always offers to solve everything peacefully and hugs me. And while he lives in the bomb shelter until I'm exposed, we watch “Maya the honeybee” every evening, and...”

 

Max growled in exasperation and literally tore the hair on his head.

“That's enough! I don't want to listen to this bullshit. I can't believe I've wasted my time trying to teach your dumb ass something useful.”

“I have no other choice, Max! I can't go back to the commune. And.. I'm so lonely.”

Daniel hang his head, and Max sighed.

“Shit. Well... okay. But since you now live in here, you better know that Campbell is coming back into the bomb shelter in autumn. And don't even show up on the Spooky island. The Quartermaster's parties is crazy shit, who knows what they can do to you in there. It's not your casual cartoon sessions with David in the bunker.”

Daniel nodded, clearly relieved.

“Well, you may be of use when we'll strike back the Wood scouts. I didn't forget their  abduction of mister Honey nuts!” Max clenched his fists. “ That's all, you're free to get lost for your own good. And I'll be waiting for the goods tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Max! Your advice was really helpful!” Daniel stood up and left the tent, looking through his notes.

“Now, now they'll regret they expelled me!” Daniel raised his hands to the sky in some sort of vindictive gesture. “Now I'm armed, I'm a true villain, ahahahaha!”

He tripped onto his own shoelace and fell to the ground.

 

Max went to find Neil and Nikki. They had to decide on conditions they would trade off Daniel's gingerbread in the camp.

 

 

 

 


	5. Frankly speaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matchmaking is an exhausting thing. Make it stop!

Gwen opened the door to the mess hall, hoping to have a calm dinner for once, but slammed it the moment she saw what was going on inside.

David went out from the hall to talk to her. “Gwen...”

“David, no. No, no, no.”

“Gwen, please, listen to me!”

“Take _him_ away from there!”

“Gwen.”

“David, I don't want to listen to you, I don't want to see him, I've told you this two hundred times, and it's enough even for you! It's over between me and Graggle.”

“He's not Graggle anymore, he's Eric!”

“I don't care!”

 

It was happening again: in the hall there was a blond in the tuxedo and with rueful look. Despite his size and presumable age, he had something helplessly childlike in his appearance. Gwen was cursed to have this kind of surrounding in her life.

“Gwen,” Gwen knew that David  wouldn't give up that easy, “Eric has done a great job! He works in a model agency, so you know! He was fired from the dolphinarium after that incident, when... it doesn't matter! He's just come to talk!”

 

Of course, if  someone was neglected, he would be instantly taken in David's custody. Actually, Graggle did have a father, but the Quartermaster had no desire to deal with Graggle-Eric because his son looked like neither him nor his mother. Well, if his mother _was_ a fish, they had something in common: every time, meanwhile David was lecturing Gwen about feelings and emotions, he just sat there and blinked. Finally, Gwen decided to try desperate mesures.

One evening she knocked on Daniel's door. When Daniel opened it, she saw the row of bottles with bright-purple liquid behind his back.

Daniel followed her gaze and explained, “for woodscouts' party”

“Well, it's reassuring,” Gwen went straight to the matter of question, “ Daniel, I need your help.”

Gwen  told him in brief everything that was going on with Graggle and her and David's matchmaking. Daniel listened attentively, nodding and asking specifying questions.

“I don't want to date him, I don't want to _see_ him or _talk_ to him, but David's obsessed with this idea! I won't be surprised if he puts him in my bed when I'm off for the bathroom, god, I can't take it anymore!”

She sighed, and Daniel nodded in agreement.

“Well... I have an idea.”

“I hope it doesn't require cyanide.”

“No,” Daniel answered calmly, “It requires sincere conversation.”

“What?” Gwen didn't believe her ears. “God, what's wrong with you two? Why am I even surprised, you date David.”

“Precisely,” Daniel said imperturbably. “And I know what I'm talking about. So...”

 

 

David was happy beyond belief. Gwen finally listened to him! And not just that, she agreed to a double date! Daniel adjusted his snow-white tux and tried to tie David's tie. With David bouncing and flailing his arms it wasn't that easy.

“Danny, Danny, it's wonderful! Just imagine, it may actually work out for them! Oh, I'm proud of Gwen! She realized that Graggle is still Graggle, even if he's Eric! I mean – it's still him, right? It's like as if you were a serial killer and I would still visit you in jail and bring you...”

“Come on, now, they're waiting,” Daniel interrupted him and took his hand.

 

Meanwhile in the mess hall Gwen stoically withstood Eric's miserable looks. David, glowing from joy, sat next to Daniel. Gwen felt her eye twitching. She looked at Daniel, and he nodded in silent support. Gwen tried to smile, when the Quartermaster brought them dinner – fish and fries.

“British cuisine!” David exclaimed and grabbed the fork.

There was silence; David was eating, and Eric was trying not to throw up. Daniel looked at David with tenderness and turned to Eric.

“Eric, it's nice to meet you in person. I've heard that you and Gwen had some... misunderstandings in the past, so I offered my help.”

Eric nodded. “Thanks, Daniel. That's true. It was hard for me to live through that breakup and Gwen's reaction to my new form... and my loneliness afterwards.”

Gwen sighed, irritated – that's not what she's come here for!

Daniel asked, “What do you feel now, Eric?”

“Well, you know, Daniel,” Eric sounded a bit tragic, “it's getting better. I've got a job, I meet new people, so I'm not that lonely anymore! Maybe I should accept the fact that Gwen is... happy without me.”

Daniel said, “Thank you for your honesty, Eric. Gwen, do you have anything to say?”

“Yes,” Gwen pinched her nose bridge. “Graggle... I mean, Eric. I'm really sorry it turned out the way it did, and I'm sorry that I overreacted that night on the lake. I shouldn't have done it. I.. I have to admit that my attraction to you depended mostly on your looks.”

“Oh, I see,” Eric said mournfully. “But I can understand it. Since I work as a model now, I know how important the physical appearance can be.”

David stopped eating and squeezed Daniel's hand in his own, watching the unfolding of events.

“But I noticed that most people like my appearance. So I don't wanna turn back into a fish, you know?” Eric smiled.

“Well,” Gwen decided to return the joke, “If it happens, you can always come back to me!”

“I'm afraid I can't, Gwen, and now we both know it,” Eric said. “After your words about my appearance being more important than my personality for you...”

“Gwen!” David exclaimed indignantly. Daniel squeezed his hand and asked Eric, "So, Eric, do you want to be with Gwen ever again?”

Eric answered, “No. I see that she doesn't like me that much now. I don't want her to wait until I turn back into the monster. I don't want her to pity me.”

“So you're ready to accept the things as they are, Eric?”

Eric sighed and said, “Yes. I'm ready to let it go and... to think about future, not past.”

Daniel smiled, “I'm glad to hear that, Eric! Gwen, do you want to say anything?”

“Yes. Eric, I'm still sorry we couldn't stay together the way we were before, but I wish you only the best. And I believe you'll meet someone who'll accept all your looks and personalities.”

Eric smiled at her. “Thank you, Gwen!”

“What?!” David bung the spoon on the table. 

“By the way, David, since we're having this lovely straight talk. I think Daniel isn't good for you.”

“W-what do you mean?” David put the spoon and moved closer to Daniel, as if Gwen was going to tear them apart by force.

“To start with, he likes _you_ , and this is already weird. And then – just look at him! He's _a blond with blue eyes_! it's  stereotyped to no end! And this deadly heartless look, have you seen his eyes?! They're cruel and merciless, David!  Don't get me wrong, you're my friend, and I care about you!”

David jumped from his seat, pointing at Gwen with his finger. “Gwen, I won't tolerate such nonsense! Daniel is _the best_! And I don't care if he likes _me_ , everyone has his own flaws! And... and yeah, I like this type of blonds with looks of dangerous psychos! Maybe I wouldn't like Daniel if he was different! So, please, stop telling me who to date!” David stopped, getting the message, and flushed. “Whatever, I don't care, let's get out of here, Danny!”

David marched to the exit, huffing. Daniel followed him, giving Gwen thumbs up.

Gwen sighed and shook her head. Eric coughed and asked,“ So.. David likes blue-eyed blonds?..”

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Ice cream issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You better melt it first, babe

 

When Daniel met David, he just didn't believe that such an oblivious person could exist in this world. And that's what the guy was: completely unaware of anything. He let Daniel buid a purification sauna in the camp, he was earnestly excited that Daniel turned out to be a bilingual who cared about nutrition... The poisoned punch was pouring on the ground from Daniel's  glass that he couldn't hold properly because David was standing in front of him, smiling and  asking him out. Maybe it was then his feelings got the best of him.

It should have been infuriating, how oblivious David was, but Daniel didn't mind it. Even more, Daniel found it... sweet. Sometimes infuriatingly sweet, when it came to certain things, but it was a type of torture he didn't mind, either. Maybe he just had a thing for this kind of silliness.

Once again he had to face it.

It was his and David's day off, and  they took a ride to the town. They were walking in the park and stopped to buy something  at the ice cream truck. It was a hot day, and Sleepy Peak was about to melt down just like Daniel was when he saw David pushing the whole popsicle in his mouth with satisfied groan.

Daniel swallowed. “Davey,” he said hoarsely, “take it easy, please.”

David blinked and pulled the popsicle from his mouth with a popping sound. Daniel was about to cheer up ( or not to ) that David got him right, but David exclaimed, “Oh, gosh, you're right, Danny! There's much more possibility to get a sore throat if you eat this too fast! I'll better move it slower.”

With that, David started moving the popsicle in his mouth with his eyes closed and cheeks huffed. 

“N-no, David,” Daniel said, grabbing his arm, “You better not do it either. Don't... don't shove it inside like this.” Daniel shifted on the bench. Damn, his jeans were getting tight. 

“Sorry!” David chirped and went to licking the popsicle like really, _really_ slowly. He kept on looking on Daniel, waiting for approval to his actions.

“David...” Daniel looked away, blushing, and saw an unpleasant man on the bench opposite them watching David  over his sunglasses. Maybe the man was actually  pleasant, but he was looking at David, and that made him unpleasant for Daniel. Especially while David was doing _this_. “David, stop!” Daniel hissed and took the popsicle from David. David looked at him with puppy eyes, stretching his arms after the treat. He licked his lips and said, pouting, “I was eating slowly!”

“That's the thing,” Daniel said. “I'll explain you... in another place.” Daniel raised on his feet and took David's hand, looking venomously at the man, who smiled at David with a nasty smile. David smiled back at him innocently. Daniel gritted his teeth and pulled David closer.

“Danny, I think that man could become our new friend!" David said as they exited the park.  "He looked like a real gentleman who definitely has a pair of opera binoculars!”

“Oh, I'm sure,” Daniel said sarcastically. Only  in their car on the way back to the camp Daniel managed to explain David what was... well, a bit unnerving in the whole thing. He said  that David was ( Xemüg help him) sucking and licking a thing that... well, he was doing that motions with his mouth and... Daniel liked David in a romantic and sexual way and... and it looked like as if...

“David, I couldn't stop thinking that it looked like you were sucking a dick.”

David was silent, and Daniel turned to look at him from the road. David  blushed. Then he reddened, and then his face turned darker than his hair. He covered it with his hands.

“Gosh, I'm so stupid!” he mumbled in his palms.

“Hey,” Daniel touched his shoulder, “No, Davey, no, it's just.. it can be really arousing, don't get me wrong, I kinda liked that, but we were in the park, and there were people whose attention I find unwanted.”

“Like with that gentleman?”

“Like with that jerk, yes.”

David hummed, and Daniel exhaled, relieved. He secretely enjoyed the way David got flustered  after realizing something so obviously obscene, but he didn't want to make him too uncomfortable. It would be good if David understood some things - for his own safety. And David understood.

 

The next day Max caught Daniel by the sleeve in the mess hall.

“What did you tell David, you freak? Ice cream contains toxins or some shit?”

“What do you mean, Max?”

“He threw it in the garbage, good thing Nikki was in there to catch it all! We saved it, but David allowed us to eat it from  plates with spoons only and took away all the wooden sticks, it was creepy as fuck!”

“Oh,” Daniel said.

'Oh', Max mocked. “That's too many 'oh's with both of you morons!”

 

'Now, Max, "Daniel answered, " Xemüg doesn't like this kind of attitude to your elder ones."

"Whatever. He can go fuck himself for all I care. But I'm sure the guy doesn't exist, and you know why? Because if he did, he would throw himself from the cliff after seeing you two together!"

Daniel looked at happy David, who flashed him a smile and saluted the flag, and thought that  Max was right. If Xemüg doesn't approve it, he can go fuck himself. 

 

 

 

 


End file.
